45 years

Whether you are not yet 45 years of age or are a bit past it, we can all agree that 45 years is a big chunk of our lives.

Our church has a presence in the state correctional facilities. The inmates participate in services and have access to prayer request cards. Once they are submitted, a group of people write letters to them and pray over their requests. I serve on this team.

Some requests are straightforward – they need healing, want out, guidance, help for family members.

Others take a different route. I received one of these recently.

His first line stated that he had been where he was for 45 years.

Imagine – 45 years confined to a prison where freedoms are severely limited.

You have the exact same routine day after day after 16,425 days.

I looked up the gentleman. His sentence was life without parole. I believe his appeals were exhausted. This is where he will be for the rest of his life.

Let that sink in for a moment. Can you feel the weight? I can imagine it’s hard to be joyful or to look at anything in a positive light.

His second line of his request showed his response to the situation.

“I am not a mistake.”

Whew! What confidence in his Creator! He knew that his life mattered and that he had a purpose where he was.

He was excited about mentoring someone who hadn’t been in for as long – and to point them to Christ. He is on a mission!

I’ve thought about my own life and read through some things I have written over the years. I noticed some places where I have been in bondage – not a physical jail but, still in bondage because I held on to something that wasn’t mine to hold.

Fear of the future.

Labels I placed on myself or that were unwanted gifts from others.

Placing my confidence in myself or others well above God, whom I say I love more than others.

These (and others) limit me in areas of my attitude, my confidence and my dreams.

This man has found freedom in his physical prison. I can find freedom from my self imposed one. (And so can you!)

The only one who can define me is my Creator. He calls me His masterpiece. He had a purpose for me before I was created (Ephesians 2:10.) I am never alone. He goes before me, behind me and is all around me (Isaiah 41:10.) I am a daughter of The King (1 John 3:1!) His plan for me is to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11.) I don’t have a spirit of fear but one of power, love and self control (2 Timothy 1:7.)

His plan for this gentleman (and for you) is the same. Reconnect with the One who cannot love you any more than He does right now.

Isaiah 61:1-2 (ESV)

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
    he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
    and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,
    and the day of vengeance of our God;
    to comfort all who mourn….

It is good for you.

When things are good for you, do you do them?

If I’m honest, I know a lot of things are good for me but I don’t always follow through.

I’m often much better about telling YOU what is good for you and how much better your life will be if you’d follow my direction.

In other words – follow what I say and not what I do. (eek!)

I am tired of not being the person I have been created to be.

Or rather – the person God has made me to be.

I’ve let the enemy steal, kill and destroy hopes, dreams, actions because he is good at what he does. As a result, I don’t have a lot of deep roots.

But, seriously…who do I really believe God to be?

And how can I get to know God if I don’t read His words to me?

I love sermons and podcasts that offer insight on God.

I am much quicker to listen to what someone else has learned through their interaction with the Word and Spirit than to cultivate my own relationship with God.

Sheesh.

Reading the Word comes with some tremendous promises! I would truly benefit from reading, studying, and meditating on scripture.

To name a few: equips and prepares me for good works (2 Timothy 3:16-17 ESV); provides instruction and encouragement that produces hope (Romans 15:4 ESV); gives wisdom and understanding (Psalm 19:7-11 ESV).

That’s just to name a few. All good things.

All things that I need and want.

But as I was reminded earlier this week, everything I need, He (Jesus) is.

Lord, I want to have a relationship with you – my own personal relationship. Help me develop a love for your word. Give me supernatural understanding and wisdom as I read. Open my eyes to your words. Open my ears to your voice. Open my heart to your Spirit. Thank you for being a good Father. I know you love me.

And again…

After a couple of months, I’m finally back to writing.

I could call my time away a hiatus. Or to make it super special – a sabbatical.

But, let’s call it what it was.

A prolonged time of disobedience.

Do you ever know the right thing to do and then choose not to do it anyway? That, dear friends, is sin. Pure and simple.

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. James 4:17 (NIV)

How much clearer could it be?

Your thing (your good you should be doing) may not be writing. It may be consistently showing up for work early and in a good mood. It might be offering to watch a friend’s children while she goes to the store alone. Maybe it’s starting the business. Maybe it’s giving money to someone when you have your own needs.

You have been told to do something. You have ‘good’ to give. If you don’t do it, you are sinning.

This definitely has convicted me (once again.) Notice I didn’t say it condemned me. Condemnation is not of God. (Thank you, Jesus!)

I have said multiple times that the Lord has called me to write. However, since I don’t know all of the details and all of the answers to my many (so many) questions, I find it ‘easier’ to just not do it. And then I try to rationalize it. (Goodness, I’m a mess.)

Thankfully, God is gracious and His mercies are new every morning. I can start again – and so can you.

Here is my good – the Lord has called me to point people to Jesus by writing.

What is your good you have been given to do? I encourage you to do it.

New Decade – Same Love

As of today, my sweet husband Tim has entered a new decade.

We met each other a little over twenty years ago. I often wonder what he was like in his teens and twenties. Would he have even noticed me (or vice versa?) Would we have even liked each other?

But, that doesn’t matter at all.

What we have is a beautiful God story.

One that continues continues to develop, surprise and deepen.

I love this man with all my heart. I know he holds my heart too.

He loves God and continues to seek Him for wisdom, guidance and truth.

He prays with and for me (ladies – you want this!)

I am thankful for the 20+ years we have had together. I pray for many more.

Happy Birthday, my sweet husband. You are well loved.

20 Years and Counting

It really does go by so quickly.

We weren’t young when we married and yet, I know we were quite naive about a lot of things. (Maybe it was just me.)

I went from just me and my cat to me, my cat and 4 other people. A lot of adjustments. A lot of prayer. Some things went well and some things definitely did not.

But today we celebrate 20 years together. It’s amazing. It’s definitely a God story.

One thing I have always loved about Tim (there are many more, of course) was that he always let me say whatever I wanted to say. The good. The bad. And the very ugly.

Sometimes downright repulsive.

This was so helpful – especially in the early years. I didn’t know how to be a mom. It was weird that things moved about during the night. And we had a strange unseen person named “Not me” living with us too.

A lot of change at one time. Of course, I was so nervous to do the wrong thing, a lot of the time I did nothing. That was not helpful to Tim nor the kids. It definitely showed I was trying to do it in my own strength instead of relying on God.

But one thing we did do (and still do) was talk. We have definitely learned how to communicate better after twenty years.

We took a trip to visit my family shortly after we wed. When we arrived, Tim didn’t have any clothes in the suitcase. I remember seeing them in neat piles on the bed near the suitcase before we left home. But he neglected to tell me he expected me to pack for him. We can laugh about it now.

Instead of asking, “What time do you want to be there?” I ask, “What time do you want to leave?” When Tim suggests going out to eat after church, I try NOT to remind him we have food at home.

Another thing we do is pray together. This, by far, is my favorite thing.

He prays over me before he leaves for work in the morning. We both pray together before he goes to sleep. We even ask for prayer during the day too.

We know that God needs to be the center of the marriage. If we both are growing closer to God, we will naturally grow closer to each other.

We are so very blessed. A lot of people (including our parents) prayed for us for many years. Mom continues.

Tim and I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. We want to finish well. We know we are not perfect but we look to the One who is.

Truth

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:6

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

My God shall supply all we need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:9

I will never leave you or forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old is gone and the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

We are His masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Expectant

When I googled the definition, expectant is an adjective that means “having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting.”

On the morning that Tim proposed, he left a voice mail saying that it was going to be the best day and he would see me later that night.

I was pretty sure he was going to propose that Thursday. I was excited and expectant. Definitely getting engaged was something ‘pleasant and interesting.’

However, I didn’t dress up. I didn’t prepare a fun dessert or even do my hair. As I recall, I was in some lounge attire and was sweeping crumbs off the kitchen counter when he rushed in to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together.

Even though I was expecting it, I didn’t prepare myself for it. Why was that?

Perhaps I didn’t want to be disappointed if what I was expecting didn’t happen? I don’t know.

I do that with God too. I say I expect Him to show up and to show off. But I don’t prepare myself for it. Why is that?

King David wrote, “Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.” (Psalm 5:3)

Morning, Lord. Here is what I’m asking. Can’t wait to see what You do.

And then I take everything back in my own hands. Sigh.

I can’t imagine being in the early days of AD (or even the days of BC) and waiting expectantly for God to rescue Jerusalem.

Of course, now we are awaiting His return. Somedays I look so forward to it. And then there are others when I think, people I know aren’t ready for it. I’m not ready for it.

These are the days of preparation. These are the days we are to be telling others about Christ. These are the days to live fully surrendered to what He has for us and to realize what He is doing and to look expectantly at what He will do.

Morning, Lord. I’m looking for You and can’t wait to see how the day unfolds. Get me out of the way. Help me to see You move. All for your glory. Amen.

Ode to Mom

My mom is 86 today. Today we celebrate Julie.

She asked on my dad’s birthday what I remembered about him. So today we will remember some things about mom.

Very disciplined. Reads her Bible every morning with her cup of black coffee. She journals too. Tim thinks when we read it she will have a lot to say about him.

She prays. Anytime I tell her something bad, good or in between, I know she prays about it. She prays for us, her kids, our kids, the great grands, her friends, her pastor, her church, people all over the world.

Lunch is the big meal. She still cooks and eats her big meal in the middle of the day. It’s amazing that such a tiny person can eat so much. But, if she cannot swallow one more M & M, she’ll leave it on the counter. (Seriously – one M & M.)

Loves chocolate. I definitely inherited this. She will buy herself cookies and chocolate chips and hide them in the pantry so they won’t be a distraction to me. I’m not always so disciplined. She will celebrate today with some Pizzelle’s chocolate https://www.pizzellesconfections.com/ and some cake at my brother’s house.

She doesn’t complain. We never know if she hurts or is uncomfortable unless we ask her directly. And even then, she usually side steps the question. I could definitely model this more in my life.

She loves to laugh. She loves it when Tim teases her about hiding her alcohol under the floor in her room. Or when he reminds her to clean up the solo cups before we come home.

She loves Xena, the wonder dog. Now that it’s warmer, mom will make a cup of coffee or grab something sweet after lunch and go outside to the back porch. Xena knows the time and is waiting by the door for her.

I know she misses dad. I asked her once why did she let dad continue to travel overseas with all of his health and mobility issues. She traveled with him and it was very hard on her too. She said that if she did that, it would be like taking dessert away from him. He wanted to check on the missionaries and encourage them. She helped make that possible.

Thankful for you, mom. I appreciate the way you point me to Jesus. Even more so after all these years. Love you.

New week – New focus

It’s Holy Week and I have a new focus.

I have definitely been looking inward and had forgotten some things. But this week, my focus has shifted.

Holy Week begins with the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem and ends with the triumphant resurrection of His earthly body.

But in between – there were some hard things. Betrayal, pain, rejection, hurt, more pain and rejection. Death.

I wonder how Jesus’ mother Mary felt watching this unfold. I wonder how Mary Magdalene felt. And Peter…. Whew – from ‘I’ll never leave you’ to ‘I have no idea who that man is’ in a matter of hours.

Jesus died for them. Jesus died for me. And Jesus died for you.

And we don’t have to get cleaned up and ‘right’ first. “…God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (ESV)

He took the penalty of all sins – past, present and future – in order to have a relationship with us. We don’t have to pay for our sins – it is finished.

We just need to believe and confess Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Continue to surrender every area of your life. I tend to surrender and then go back and collect it again and again.

And every time, I surrender, confess, and repent, He is there. Loving me and welcoming me back.

Is something missing in your life? Do you need peace and hope? Jesus has that and more. He is there. Loving you and welcoming you as His child.

Duplicity

According to Mirriam-Webster, the definition of duplicity is “contradictory doubleness of thought speech or action.”

I feel like this defines my life right now. I know it’s not good or healthy.

I work but am extremely lazy.

I believe in Christ but have doubts.

I am a writer but succumb to the lure of the tube.

I want a tidy home but will step over the piles in my office.

I want to be healthy but will eat candy like I drink water.

I want to be an adult and be mature but sometimes it’s only my gray that shows maturity.

I want to establish routines but I fall apart after a day or two.

I want to be a woman of prayer but start scrolling after the Bible reading.

I set a daily work schedule and then don’t care when I don’t even do the first item.

I want to be excellent in all but am very content (and excellent) in mediocrity.

The apostle Paul knew about this life too.

In Romans 7:15 he wrote, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

Am I just a lazy Christian? Am I lukewarm? Am I a non-believer? Do I not love Jesus enough? Sigh….

Currently looking for a counselor that can help me figure out what all of this means and where it stems from. I have grown very apathetic.

It’s not a good place to be. But sometimes “known bondage is more comfortable than unknown freedom.”