Duplicity

According to Mirriam-Webster, the definition of duplicity is “contradictory doubleness of thought speech or action.”

I feel like this defines my life right now. I know it’s not good or healthy.

I work but am extremely lazy.

I believe in Christ but have doubts.

I am a writer but succumb to the lure of the tube.

I want a tidy home but will step over the piles in my office.

I want to be healthy but will eat candy like I drink water.

I want to be an adult and be mature but sometimes it’s only my gray that shows maturity.

I want to establish routines but I fall apart after a day or two.

I want to be a woman of prayer but start scrolling after the Bible reading.

I set a daily work schedule and then don’t care when I don’t even do the first item.

I want to be excellent in all but am very content (and excellent) in mediocrity.

The apostle Paul knew about this life too.

In Romans 7:15 he wrote, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

Am I just a lazy Christian? Am I lukewarm? Am I a non-believer? Do I not love Jesus enough? Sigh….

Currently looking for a counselor that can help me figure out what all of this means and where it stems from. I have grown very apathetic.

It’s not a good place to be. But sometimes “known bondage is more comfortable than unknown freedom.”

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nkwhite

I am a Christ follower and falling more in love with Him. I am a WRITER - but need to constantly remind myself. I am intent on purposely living the last half of my life outside of myself. I am using the blog to inspire, vent, cry, share....join me, won't you?

One thought on “Duplicity”

  1. love you and love your honesty and transparency in it.

    I understand and have alot of the same thoughts and feelings myself, especially during this season of my life. I would love to just be able to give you the perfect answer, the formula that makes everything clear but alas…

    I can say a few things however with absolute certainty

    God loves you is chasing after you provides all good things for you including a way out. He gives grace

    also satan is a liar come to steal kill destroy

    He says in His word the one inside of us is greater than the one in this world. I pray for us both to have a greater revelation knowledge of this and the power we have because of the Holy Spirit in us…

    ps only able to speak like this today because of Him and his grace. Yesterday was a different story. It’s a journey

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